Transparency Tuesday

In sickness and mental health

There is only 1 instance were our relationship took a turn for the worst, and we almost divorced over It. This is something we haven’t discussed since counseling, and once Damian completely forgave me, he never brought it up again. Lord knows I wouldn’t mention it. And even now, as I’m re hashing this, I feel sick to my stomach for my sneaking around and keeping such disgraceful secrets from him.

It was a couple of years after Maggie was born and we had already adopted the 2 teens. I was drunk and popping pills all the time and deep into a borderline, suicidal depression. I didn’t work, nor did I get out much as I had become withdrawn and only felt comfortable at home. Damian was always completely here for us. So in this matter, again, I take full responsibility for the “almost” demise of our commitment.

It was not easy for Damian to take on such a huge responsibility so young. At this time he was only about 28 years old. He was only 19 when Spenser was born and we had all 4 in under 6 years. You could imagine the pressure on him as the head and provider of such a large and needy family. He worked 60-80 hours some weeks and So it was not uncommon for him to take off at times, escaping next door to “move a couch” (puff puff) with the neighbor or run to the aid of any friends or family when in need. Of course he was always available to lend a hand but it was to a point, where everyday he was away at work or with family, or our friends were constantly dropping in and hanging out into late hours. Everyday was a party, which was all fun, until my own selfishness and insecurities reared their ugly head, telling me that he didn’t love me or want to be around me anymore. That he wanted out and I should just do him a favor and cut him loose. He wasn’t validating my emotional feelings or making me feel pretty anymore… me me me…It was not Damians fault that I went from a social butterfly to a drunken recluse. But I punished him as though he had. And rather then communicate these feelings I turned my back on our covenant and did the unthinkable.

I began an online affair with an old boyfriend. I’m not really sure what prompted it, it was no longer in my nature to behave this way. I believe my ex reached out through my brother and it wasn’t long before he was sweet talking me and filling most my free time, feeding into my darkest insecurities and even more into my ego. I didn’t give much thought to the severity of what was happening as in my twisted mind, he lived in another country so we would never see each other and it’s just words, it didn’t mean anything! So you could imagine my shock, the morning Damian came at me with some incriminating texts. I had crossed a line and committed the ultimate betrayal.

Damian came walking up to me reading the texts “I thought you would choose me?” “why are you ignoring me?” And a few others that had come through after he surprised me with a new battery. I didn’t know how to respond except by coming clean and begging forgiveness. I explained that it was already over, that I had actually ended the short lived affair days earlier, when it went from flirty back and forth banter, to almost stalker like and aggressive behavior. The same reasons he became my ex so many years ago. I was happy when my battery went out as the ex could no longer reach me. Damian proceeded to call him and was able to verify that I had cut off contact, but also let him know that if he contacted me ever again he would find him and fuck him up. I never heard from, nor reached out to him again.

For 3 days Damian didn’t speak to me. Not 1 word, not even a glance in my direction. It was pure torture and I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached out to my sister and shared with her what had happened and she instantly came over. She sat Damian and I down on our front porch and made us look at each other. She then asked Damian, “what is your plan? You haven’t spoken in 3 days! You can’t ignore her forever!” I will never forget his response to her question. He looked me dead in the face and said. “Not forever. Just until our anniversary. Then I’m leaving and filing for divorce.” I couldn’t believe he was leaving me, and on our anniversary that was only a few days off. I can’t believe I did something so pathetic and reckless that I drove him away! Now i really wanted to die. My sister sat with us for quite some time that evening. She made sure that communication was opened and that the right questions were tackled. She made us hold hands, face each other and verbalize why we chose each other in the first place, what we loved most about the other and what could have drove me to this.” It wasn’t easy, but it opened doors of understanding, growth and forgiveness. In time, and through some marriage counseling, his heart re softened and Damian was able to forgive me and move past my indiscrepancy.

I know he has never forgotten in the true sense. But he has never held it over my head or brought it back up to throw in my face. That single act of forgiveness propelled me into being a better, more attentive, and communicative wife. I stated in a previous post to the men…to be your partners biggest cheerleader! To verbalize your affections and dote on her appearance. Be affectionate and pay her all the attention and compliments! And ladies, put in the work as well! Men have just as many insecurities and need to feel desired and appreciated. There will always be shady people who have no qualms about interfering in others relationships. In fact, there are those who thrive on it.

Had I only reached out to communicate my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, Damian would have reassured me as he has always done, and continues to do, and just maybe this entire ugly encounter would never have happened. Communicate always. Never leave anything open to misunderstanding or conflict. You’re partner should be your top ally! The one you can ALWAYS confide in! God forgives and forgets. We are human and struggle in the flesh, but when you forgive someone don’t hold it over their head. Be sure to leave things in the past where you forgave them. Happy Healing

5 thoughts on “Transparency Tuesday

  1. Wow, it’s so brave of you to open up about this story on here, even if it is a community of strangers from around the world. None of us are angels and we all have a past that we regret, but what matters is how we learn, move forward and better ourselves for the future. It sounds like you and your husband went through a rough patch and I’m so proud of you both for getting through it and getting the help you need. 💖💖💖🌺

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re most welcome! I’m glad that you did speak up about it, it’s so inspiring for other couples who are struggling to follow your example and also talking up in the safety of internet strangers, is part of the process to helping yourself heal. And you can do all of this without telling your whole facebook network, so that’s an added bonus 😊💫

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a post that moved me. Your inner strength, your ability to tell the truth and Damian’s undying love are worth emulating. Everyone makes mistakes. To admit to them and learn to go past them is what character is all about. My deep respect for both of you. Have a life filled with joy and bliss

    Liked by 1 person

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