A much older and wiser friend once told me, just days after our wedding, she said to me “Susan, a bit of advice for the new bride! Don’t ever deny Damian sex and he will never cheat.” At the time it was well received, only to realize years later that, it was actually not good advice at all. I’m pretty sure this method does not prevent infidelity! If it did, the divorce rate would be a bit lower.
That sentence stuck with me for years, and for years I seldom denied Damian sex, because let’s be real. You can’t say yes, or be in the mood every time! And the same goes for him. I was not the aggressor in the bedroom, but there were a few times Damian even refused my advances. What her advice did do was plant infidelity in my mind and subconsciously turned making fun, passionate love with my soulmate, into an obligatory favor or some kind of safety net.
I had never imagined Damian as disloyal, and needless to say I was right. Did I ever suspect him of infidelity? Yes of course! When my hormones were out of control from 4 back to back pregnancy’s and my insecurities stretched with my body, due to 60-90lb weight gains! But I always communicated those feelings of inadequacy to him and he always put me at ease.
Unfortunately, we were not as communicative in the bedroom as we were in other areas of our marriage. Which I think had a lot to do with that wise advice of never denying sex. Be cautious of advice you plant into the minds of young people. We never know their full story’s or the way they will process our words. And it would be terrible to trigger that negative self image. Now I’m not saying my shortcomings were in anyway her fault! But, they did hold some responsibility into putting them in action. If I ever give advice to young newlyweds it’s always the same, communicate!
But over time, as happens with a lot of couples, sex became routine. And that was fine….or was it? Little did we know that there was a whole other level in store for us.
So how did we get here? Well, 25 years of marriage and tons of kids later, we are still very sexually active, but as I stated, very routine. And soon our kids will take flight, and leave us to each other, and then what? That’s scary! Exciting, but scary! We needed to shake things up. And since we have most other areas figured out, it’s time to take hold of the bedroom! So here we are, stepping outside of our comfort zones, going ALL IN and taking our sex life to another level through BDSM. And key to BDSM is communication. It can be awkward and uncomfortable to step outside your comfort zone. But we promise! Only freedom will come from it.
So speak up about your wants, needs and fantasy’s! Even if there are things you won’t do you never know what the “will dos” can lead to. Don’t be afraid to open that door to communication. God did not give us a spirit of fear and the door to communication has always been unlocked.